Sexual consent Sexual consent is consent to engage in sexual activity. Sexual activity without consent is considered rape or other sexual assault.
I believe by now everybody gets the picture, I mean, we probably encounter this phrase a lot; more so if you are my friend.
So… consent- we know what it is but do we know how to put it into practice? Or do we understand just how important it is?
I have been asked many questions regarding this topic and I have learned, to my distaste, that there are people out there who lack basic knowledge as to what sexual consent is. This means that there is a large group of people who have been raped, sexually assaulted or defiled who do not even know it because to them it’s life.
I believe I have written on this topic more than I have written on any other, which begs the question “Why am I writing on this… again?”
The answer would be somewhere between that girl that is traumatised because her boyfriend drugged her in order to have sex with her and that boy who had his innocence taken from him because “He’s a guy. He can’t not want to have sex.” So, basically, I am here to clear up any misconceptions based on situations I have heard of and questions I have been asked.
“Sometimes girls play hard to get, they say no when they really mean yes. How can I tell when a girl is serious and when she’s not?”
• Do not make any assumptions. Do not base your reaction off of experience because I can bet that no two situations are the same.
• Take her no as a no and her yes as a yes. If she says no, you better stop in your tracks.
• Females do not assume every guy wants to have sex with you. Get consent.
• Enthusiastic sober consent. If he/she is not sober. If he/she does not give an enthusiastic yes then stop in your tracks.
Marinating culture aka Rape culture
Now one view might hold that these two “cultures” are different, but I disagree strongly. In your right mind, why would you spike somebody’s drink for the sole purpose of having sex with them? It’s plain and simple, it’s because you are a rapist and a predator regardless of your age, sex, race, background. YOU ARE A RAPIST.
The scenario of a boyfriend spiking his girlfriend’s drink in order to have sex with her may come off as odd, but it is absolutely true. Let me clarify something right here, whether you are having ‘a thing’ with someone, in a relationship, or even married and they do not consent to carnal knowledge with you and you go forward with it regardless… repeat after me, ‘I am a rapist.’
On this very topic of rape culture there has been a surge by the world’s feminists [(most of whom conveniently turn their backs on female to female sexual abuse and female to male sexual abuse), and yes, I am calling you out on the double standard] especially in relation to the ‘Men are trash’ and ‘Me too’ movements to have men be accountable to one another and call each other out. I, personally, admire that because it is absolutely true but I believe it’s everybody’s responsibility. We cannot go on with “you guys hang out together and he probably tells you when something is up” because guess what? Females, too hang out with males and females alike and… “they probably tell you when something is up”.
We will not get anywhere if we are going to continue to take sides and blame one another because rape is one of those things where it has either been done to you or somebody you know.
Clothing
I have read and heard of many cases where the victim’s clothes have been put up as evidence that she consented. Nomba imyipusheko, bushe kumyenu ifyakufwala filalanda? (Now let me ask, is it that where you come from clothes speak?)
I want to put this in black and white- appearance IS NOT CONSENT; clothing choice IS NOT CONSENT. Where do people get the audacity to believe that they have the right to another person’s body? I do not care who you think you are, what I wear is not a greenlight to you. Whether I am tall, short, fat, thick or slim does not trample my no.
There has been age instruction of girls to ‘cover up’ because they could just end up “tempting men”. If nobody sees a problem with that then I have nothing further to say, but because I believe we see the problem let me suggest how we can solve this issue.
- Teach your boys respect. Teach them that they do not have a right to somebody else’s body and they should learn to control themselves because this all bubbles down to simple manners and respect.
- Stop sexualising young girls. I will say this especially about black children who tend to be shapely at young girls but it goes for all girls. You have a problem If you look at any child that way and you need to get help.
- If you want your daughter(s) to dress a certain way, raise her that way and come up with something better than . What about because I believe that you should cover your body more or exercise modesty? What about because it’s just what I believe? Anything is better than making girls fall prey to believing they are sin itself.
Because the truth is that even babies get raped and women in niqab’s get raped so if the whole appearance and dressing thing had anything to do with it we wouldn’t have these problems.
(Past) Reputation
There has been a surge of victim blaming and false accusations just because of a certain reputation he/she holds/held. The truth is with these situations we will rarely ever know what truly happened, but it does not help to keep picking sides especially without the facts. Do not play God and believe you know something for sure. Sometimes it’s wise to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Consent was the very first topic that hit me in such a way that I believed I actually had to speak. We all at one time had a preconceived notion of rape, rape victims and rape culture. I challenge you to change your perspectives and base them on simple right and wrong- not because the law says so- because you are a decent human being.
Be more aware of your environment. Look out for one another. Teach one another and show love and true kindness. We need to do better.
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